The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
