I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she woke up with a sticky ear
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
