It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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