I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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