her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
