OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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