i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
