so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
