Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
