do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think I sprained my soul last night
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
