i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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