I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
