I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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