i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
