i was born a porn star she said
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
