I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
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