GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
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I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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