You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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