Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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