i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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