So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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