No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
