So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
