Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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