Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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