Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
