2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
