Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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