Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
