Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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