Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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