I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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