He felt like a one man threesome
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
