A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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