my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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