If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
