i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
