Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
