I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
