Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
