I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
