well most of my day revolves around power hour
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
