so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
