Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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