Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
