My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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