dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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