A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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