he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
