WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
