I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
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