i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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