Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
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Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
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is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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