I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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