Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
