it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
