I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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